Country life.

First off, I really love wifi. If I could adopt wifi as my baby I would, and I would cherish it and smother it with kisses and pet names.

Concentrating on the present though, I’m currently in no-mans land with download speed capped to 0.5 Mbps compared an average of 100 in normal places. Add to that three other teenagers plus a host of adult who even when they aren’t using the wifi, are still connected to the wifi, and the poor wee thing gets too stressed out and cowers in the corner rocking back and forth sobbing incessantly.

It doesn’t help that I have three essays, two presentations and a lecture to do, and just reading what I had to do for one essay took an hour! I’m about ready to tear my hair out.

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(It took me twenty minutes to upload that photo of my current whereabouts.)

Good vibes xoxo

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Surely my loved ones and I are due some good karma?!

Bad news seems to flow so readily from the mouths of people all around me these last few weeks.

Whilst nothing bad has happened to me, the strain of the emotional anguish of those around me has not been easy, combined with the never-ending, always with the deadlines-looming university coursework. I take a twisted view, and choose to use these problems to strengthen my stress boundaries by testing them, in preparation to work in an extremely stressful industry (film/tv and media).

The pain of others however, is a different story. Someone extremely close to me lost a relative that meant the world to them, and to listen to someone so strong break down and cry is enough to melt even Sauron’s heart. (LOTR reference, but any who didn’t understand, although I can’t imagine that to be many.)

Money; multiple friends in pain, or in an unstable mindset; a work schedule which is always exactly what I ask for it not to be; the responsibility of producer in a university project; the six impending assignments, all due within the same 7 days; general health problems; it all adds up overwhelmingly, and sometimes my brain feels like it’s thinking too fast for me to keep up and cope.

I know it’s all temporary, well, most of it, but at the moment I feel like a deer staring down headlights, skittering and lunging in a dozen different directions, unsure of where to go, yet paralyzed and frozen to the spot.

Good vibes xoxox

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It’s a struggle.

Things are still difficult.

For me, but not for me at the same time. Mentally, I’m not in a great place, but not a dangerous place, so I’m on the road to something better I hope.

But my friends, my friends aren’t good. All of them seem to be going from bad to worse, and being where they’ve been I know there’s little to nothing I can do to help them.

And it puts a huge toll on me. I wouldn’t change them for the world, and I love each and everyone of them to pieces but on occasions it exhausts me. Many people would say to leave my friends if it negatively affects me, but a) helping people makes me feel good and b) how could I give up people who wouldn’t dream of doing the same to me, and have been there for me through all my shit.

All I can do is be there when they need me, and hope they pull through.

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Depression and Recovery.

I’ve not blogged in a lot time. My reasons for this is forgiveable, because I haven’t been in a good place; mentally or physically. It’s been dragging me down, and I’ve been struggling to cope. However, mentally I’m starting to become stronger, it’s just tough to remember that a bad day, week or even month, doesn’t automatically warrant that dreaded fear.

‘Am I getting worse again?’

That fear, the one that plagues every person right to their very bones. Just the speculation of the fact you could be going on a downhill spiral is enough to trigger a mini one in itself. There isn’t anything like it, the wordless angst that everything in your life is going to go to shit again. Friends get pushed away, work goes unfinished, grades slide; life plans melt right out of view and happiness? Well you can kiss goodbye to feeling happy my friend, and get ready to feel miserable, lonely and in mental anguish, or in my eyes, even worse is feeling numb.

But it’s not like that; I’ve spent two years on the recovery path now, and I still have months or weeks where I feel like my life is worthless and that there’s no point. But I know I don’t want to do anything rash, because in my head I have big plans for my future, and I’d been a fool to let that go to waste. And it does get better, slowly, at a snail’s pace.

In memory of the lovely Robin Williams, who also suffered depression, here are several quotes from such a wonderful inspiration guy.

download images download (2) download (1)

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Hollyoaks should take tips from my town.

Hollyoaks should take tips from my town.

‘It’s like a scene out of Hollyoaks.’

This is one of my Mum’s friend’s most well-said phrases apparently. And in Train* I can see why. Never a day goes by without drama, without someone’s ex sleeping with their mum (who happens to be twice the ex’s in questions age).

It’s ridiculous, and quite frankly exhausting, and since breaking up with my ex, I’ve stayed well outside the circle of drama. But, just because it doesn’t happen to be directly, doesn’t mean I’m forced to be sucked into it, and do childish things, like taking sides.

It’s always: ‘Someone started a rumour about me, and my boyfriend physically attacking each other.’
‘She asked to be friends again.’ *insert laughter* ‘What, does she think we’re primary kids again?’ *insert more laughter* Okay, okay, it was me that said that one, but, hey it was accurate, right?

A particularly amusing rumour (in hindsight) that probably shows the depth of this town’s boredom, is when I was dating my ex, two, possibly three boys, all whom neither me nor my ex had any trouble or issue with went to the trouble of texting my ex off a number they knew he wouldn’t know, about my supposed affair/cheating with some guy who tried to chat me up once a couple years beforehand. To this day, I have absolutely no idea why they did it, and to be honest they could have made it more believable by using a guy I actually spoke to!

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I’m running a 10K!

So after nearly a year of no exercise, I’ve finally decided to hop back on the band wagon and tone up!

Since leaving my hometown and moving to uni, I had to give up the clubs I attended, predominantly my ballet classes, which I had attended for fourteen years, from the age of four until I left school last year. That, combined with my lack of cooking skills (resulting in a diet of mostly carbs, mainly pasta and toast) means I’ve piled on the pounds, a whole stone in fact!

To others, and I have experienced this in reality, my weight gain doesn’t show to them- I get the ‘if this is you putting on a stone you must have been skin and bone before!’ Let me just state, I wasn’t, but nor am I fat now. But the fact remains, that to myself, I am currently unhappy at my weight, and lack of tone and muscles, so I’m beginning my journey to change that, so lets see if I can make it to 10K.

To add a little colour, here’s a picture of my pretty new running shoes! Now I’ve bought them I can’t back out! o.O

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[A footnote: My 10K run is for charity, and in aid of diabetes.]

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Ways To Stay Creative & Happy

Whilst I consider myself a creative and imaginative person, I have recently found myself in an odd rut. A creative rut, but a rut nonetheless. I still read and I write, and am transported away by films, but I go for the same films, the same books over and over again. They may be my firm favourites but the mind still needs to be developed by new different ideas.

-Read and watch new things. Gain new hobbies. Experience things. If you stay in the same routine all your life, you’ll never move ahead, and never experience life to the full.

-Get outside. Four enclosed magnolia walls are hardly going to inspire and open the mind. Force yourself to get up and breathing in the air, and take long walks to new places; be it rolling green scenery, enticing ruined building or fragrant city market stalls.

-Turning off technology. It seems ironic for me to be saying this whilst typing away at a computer, but too much technology can dull us to the world. Technology allows us to access much of what a couple of generations ago seems crazy, and this can open our eyes and let us see incredible sights and fountains of knowledge, but many of us (myself included) spend too much time holed away straining at tiny pixels of information. Trying to see what is on a screen stops us seeing the beauty and fascination in the world around us, right on our very doorstop. Try putting the phone down, and turn the TV off, and looks at what’s around you; the dog eager to be exercised; the sun streaming in; the busy family across the street.

-Tomorrow is a new day. Cheesy I know, but it can help many of us to keep a smile on our face. People think that there are two different paths; try and success; or try and fail. In fact, the both are combined, success and failure are interwoven, and neither are bad, and both are life lessons. In the same way, just because today was a failure, doesn’t mean tomorrow won’t be a success. Maybe the day after will be a failure too, but there will always be another success if you keep at it.

This was a short post, and a new direction I want to take my blog in, and I just want to thank anyone who reads this post- taking the time to do so means a lot to me, and please leave me a comment to say what you think, it’ll take ten seconds and would mean so much to me!

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